Marketing myself is not why I got into comedy. I do it for the same reason Walt from Breaking Bad couldn’t quit making meth. I enjoy it. (Not meth, comedy).
At some point in your comedy career you will have to focus on promoting yourself, which sounds easy, but it is actually pretty annoying and horrible. One of the ways I promote myself to people at my shows is by handing out business cards.

I have always been a huge fan of business cards. When I was in high school I had my own business cards, they didn’t say what I did. Mainly because I wasn’t doing anything. On the card it just said my name and a phone number, much like what a hitman’s business card would look like. Also, if you are a hitman, you can’t be giving out cards all over town that say “Hitman” or “Contract Killer” all over it.

Now I’m doing comedy and my cards say the same thing on it (my name only). I don’t think that you need to have “Comedian” on your cards. Plus if I fail at comedy I could use them for anything else. I could be the plumber with the sweet glamor shot of my face on my card. Or I could possibly be a Hitman.

Which leads me to my last point, I don’t just “give” out my business cards after a show. You have to ask for it. I’m not a business card slut. You gotta play the game (ask for it).

I have done many shows where I would make it a point to forcibly hand out my card to every single person in the crowd. Then, once I would leave the comedy club I would see a sad pile of my business cards littering the floor of the lobby. Some folded and or ripped in half… At that point, I would sit on the floor and pick up the cards that weren’t ripped to pieces (much like my heart in that moment), or used as a place to spit out their gum.

On top of seeing the sad pile of business cards on the floor, it’s equally as sad to note that this pile is just ten feet from where I personally handed it to you and shook your hand you fucking asshole, how could you smile back at me and act nice like that when you can’t carry my card for more than 10 feet.

Maybe I should put “Comedian/ Hitman” on the card after all.